.

I guess I'm a Methodist now...

2011-11-05T19:26:00.000-04:00

I've been to All Saints' UMC every Sunday, except one, since my first visit on September 18th. Tomorrow, I become a member.

Insanity Day 1

2011-10-14T08:22:00.000-04:00

Last week, I watched a family member as he sweated and sweated and sweated some more doing the Insanity DVD. It's a Beach Body creation (the same folks who do P90X). Did I mention there was lots of sweat? And an inability to catch his breath. Lots of water breaks. Nothing fun.

I got home and thought to myself "I sooo want some of that". Fast forward to last night. I get my copy of the DVD, along with the calendar and fit test spreadsheet. I was amped. This morning I got up at did the fit test. Wow.

Here's what I tweeted immediately after finishing the fit test.

The fit test kicked my ass. I'm kinda scared to see what tomorrow brings. But I'm ready for it. As Shaun T says, it's time to Dig Deep. :)

Oh yeah, here's the obligatory Day 1 pic taken in the bathroom with my cell phone.

So, I went to church today...

2011-09-18T22:48:00.000-04:00

And it was good. I've been feeling a bit un-anchored lately; like I'm floating alone in the middle of a massive ocean, directionless with no land or other boats to be seen. Not the best feeling in the world. I needed get anchored and I knew where I needed to be.

So this morning, I got up and walked to church. Yes, I walked. All Saints' United Methodist Church holds their worship service at the Elementary School down the street - a short 7-10 minute stroll down street from my house.

It always amazes me (yet never surprises me) how I tend to get what I need when I need it. The community of members were very welcoming. The ritual of the service was very comforting to me. It reminded me of the time I spent at The Riverside Church in NYC and my one visit to a Catholic church in Newport, RI. I've come to accept that I prefer "boring" church. I think I'll be going back next week.

As an educator and counselor, the work I do is for a higher purpose - to subtly or radically impact the lives of those in my path. I don't take that charge lightly. What's crazy is that I haven't been personally connecting to the power that charged me with the task. And I know better. Connecting recharges me and reminds me of why I do what I do. It keeps me grounded.

Whether it's the Kadampa Center or All Saints' UMC, the connection to God is there. I am, after all, a Bible-based Buddhist. :) All Saints' UMC was simply where I needed to be today.

50 lbs.

2011-05-08T11:47:00.002-04:00

It's official - I weigh 50 lbs less than I did on my birthday two years ago. Go me!!!

That is all.

Happy Birthday, Moma

2011-05-05T22:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my grandmother's birthday. She would have turned 93. I had been dreading yesterday for months. As her birthday grew closer, I got more anxious. I knew I had to teach and had vivid images of me "losing it" while reviewing how to solve quadratic equations. As a former grief counselor, I know that it can sneak up on you at the most random times and especially on important anniversary dates.

I needed to be proactive - the alternative was lots of tears at "inappropriate times" and lots of bad food. Lots of it. I wore jeans and a black top and put a bright yellow (faux) flower in my hair. The flower made me think of her and smile throughout the day. It brought me back from the edge and helped me not be so annoyed with my students. One little fake flower from Wally World. Who knew? I picked up my sis from the airport in the afternoon and hung out with her and her mom for a few hours. I went to a networking event and connected with a good friend in the evening.

I think having a busy day helped. No need to plan being sad. I did have my moments. In the morning with my coffee and, of course, in the car - that seems to be my spot for Moma-related tears. On the drive home last night, I reflected on the day. It seemed as if for HER birthday, she gave me several gifts. I had a few a-ha moments related to my soon-to-be new business, our relationship, and my love-life (or current lack thereof). More on that another day. Maybe.

What I know for sure is this year will be filled with several "the first ______ without her." Hmmm.

OBL

2011-05-02T19:31:00.001-04:00

Last night I watched people in NYC and DC celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden on TV. All I could think is that somewhere in the world, at least one person is now in mourning. I'm talking about a loved one, not his ideological followers. No matter how deplorable his actions were, there is someone, somewhere who loved him in spite of it all. I send some healing energy to that person.

And I send lots of love and healing energy to all those who lost someone on 9/11 as they deal with reopened wounds and mixed emotions.

Simultaneously Grieving and Teaching

2011-05-02T00:06:00.000-04:00

Wednesday is my grandmother's birthday. It's the first one since she died in December. I've been quietly, anxiously anticipating it for months. Wednesday is a teaching day. Meaning I have to be "on". Thankfully, it's the end of the semester and we will simply be reviewing for their upcoming final exam next week. All that means is I don't have to be on my A game. But like I said, I've been quietly anxious about this for months; like a program running in the background of my brain.

The entire semester has been a mental challenge. I didn't see it in the moment. But as I look back over the past four months I can see the effects of my grief in my actions (or inaction) and in my attitude.

Anywhooo, the past two weeks have been particularly interesting. It's the end of the semester. I'm on pins and easily annoyed. My students are being annoying. And it takes a lot of energy to not say "Please. Shut the hell/fuck up." I get WHY I'm on pins and easily annoyed. Doesn't make it go away.

Horoscope

2011-04-18T20:55:00.000-04:00

I read my horoscope on my phone about an hour ago, and it totally wigged me out.

Here it is:

Is it better to be a big fish in a small pond, or a small fish in a big pond? In the former situation, the big fish rules the world. But that leaves him with few if any equals, and no one to share a friendship with. On the other hand, if one is a small fish in a big pond, there's a gigantic world to explore, but predators abound and competition is stiff. There's a happy medium. You're very unique, Moonchild. There are more options available to you than you're now considering. Think about venturing off in your own direction. Follow the stream that leads away from the pond and toward infinite possibilities.

Now, I don't usually put much stock in what my horoscope says; it's for entertainment purposes only. AND I know the probability that something in it will be somewhat related to one of the many pieces of my life is relatively high - I'm a numbers girl after all. But this was freaky.

Why, you ask. I'll tell you why. The very first sentence was the exact thought I had earlier today. In my current day-to-day, I am the "fountain of knowledge". It is rare that I have an opportunity to be the sponge, just soaking up new stuff from folks more knowledgeable than me. It's why I enjoy being a student so much. However, going back to school is not an option right now.

The path I'm currently pursuing has the potential to be that big pond, filled with predators and cut-throat competition. Not my cup of tea. I'm too much of a low-key, Buddhist-type for all that.

I have to find my happy medium. For me, it means I will be

intellectually stimulated
teaching others
talking - a lot
collaborating regularly
involved in little-no drama
valued
appropriately compensated

I regularly follow my gut (spirit guide, intuition, God's whisper) and it's worked for the most part, thus far.

So I take today's horoscope as a sign. It spoke to me in the moment and caused me to pause. A sign of what? Who knows? Feels like part confirmation, part kick in the ass.

3 pull-ups

2011-04-17T12:36:00.000-04:00

The ultimate test of upper-body strength is to be able to do pull-ups from a hanging position. I attempted to do one last week, and failed miserably. It was actually rather amusing. However, it has now become the thing at the gym I must conquer.

Stay tuned...

10 Months Later...AGAIN

2011-04-11T21:08:00.000-04:00

At the request of a loyal reader, I am bringing the blog back to life. Thanks for the push! (you know who you are)

When I thought about it, I really have no excuse for not keeping it current. The last entry in my personal journal was in January. I haven't been writing online or on paper. Unacceptable. Time to get out of my head, and back into the real world of the internet. ;)

No need for a recap; if you know me, then you know the highlights.

I will say this; I'm happy to be writing again. I'm happy to be happy. I'm happy that I'm regaining my physical, mental and emotional strength. Despite several challenges, life is good.

I am, once again, at a major transition in my life. Not really news. As they say - and I'm not really sure who "they" are, but I digress - the only constant in life is change. I've come to accept that. It's like the Borg; resistance is futile.

I'm still on the job hunt. I want to stay in the Raleigh-Durham area and I affirm that regularly. BUT if the right job is elsewhere, off I go. As I think about that, I have to ask myself "Is it really the right job, if it's somewhere else?" Hmmm...

It's June!!!!

2010-06-04T13:39:00.000-04:00

Okay, now that June is here and my birthday is in 23 days - I'm getting more excited with each passing day! I think the freak out is over. Since my day is on a Sunday, I'll be celebrating on Saturday. Celebrating with a few friends and blending it with a Pure Romance party. It's going to be a night of celebrating womanhood and our fabulousness.

Soooo excited!!!

Birthdays

2010-05-06T19:56:00.000-04:00

Two days ago my grandmother turned 92 years old. Ninety-two. Or as a certain Dancing With the Stars football player would say - Nueve Dos. That's old. And my mom recently turned 69. That's kinda old (damn near 70).

Why do I bring this up? Because in 52 days I will be turning 35 and am having mini-freakouts regularly.
Sorry to disappoint if you thought this was going to be an entry about my fabulous grandmother. This is MY blog, let her get her own :)

So back to me - 35 just sounds old and it's about to be the number that describes me. Doesn't sound as old as 92, but it still sounds old. As you can tell, I haven't quite embraced it yet. Accepted it? Absolutely - don't really have a choice. Embraced? Not so much. And as I reflect, I can honestly say it has nothing to do with my being single or without children. It's about OLD. I can get married or get pregnant, but I can't not get old. Bummer.

Oh well. I'm going to party anyway; because if you know me you know how much I LOVE my birthday. And hopefully, in the midst of the party, me and 35 will become friends. Or at least friendly acquaintances.

Friends

2010-04-29T23:48:00.000-04:00

I have some pretty amazing people in my life. I'm totally lucky/blessed/happy to be able to think of some family members as friends and that I have friends who I consider family. Not everyone can say that; but I can. :)

A Strutured Life

2010-04-25T11:41:00.002-04:00

I looked at the few posts before my grand comeback, and they was all about trying to create a structured life. As I think about last summer, my life was still full of chaos and it was a futile attempt on my part to create some order where little existed. Now that there is a bit more structure to my life, it's so much easier to put a system in place. And so far, it's working.

First, getting up at the same time every morning (7am) regardless of what's on my schedule for the day is the best decision I've made in a minute. I alter the wake-up time by no more than an hour in either direction - and it has to be for a really good reason.

I'm back to being a gym rat :) It's a scheduled part of my day. Having the goal of completing the Reggae Half Marathon in December is a big motivation. I even have 13.1 (the distance of the race) as the background on my laptop. It's a nice constant reminder of why I keep going. I also plan to bring sexy back in a big way - can't do that while trying to catch my breath at the top of a flight of stairs. Not to mention, the extra lbs are a reflection of a darker period in my life. Since I'm not there anymore, it's about time my outside match my inside.

And then there's the business. Damn it if it isn't hard work, but I love what I do so it's totally worth it. Speaking of the business, it's time to head to the office.

10 months later

2010-04-20T11:25:00.001-04:00

Did you miss me? I didn't realize how long it's been since I last posted. So much has happened, but if you know me, there's no need for a recap. Anywhoo, at this moment, I'm standing at the computer in my classroom while my students take their test. Hope the sound of me typing isn't distracting. I absolutely love teaching adults - especially at community college. There's a seriousness from the students here that doesn't exist at a "regular" college/university. And since many of my students are my age or older, I can relate to them in a totally different way.

On a completely different note, I'm getting used to my new home. I guess that's a good thing, since I've been here now for a year & a month. Of all the places I've lived, SD is still at the top of the list, but the Triangle is indeed growing on me. Looks like I'll be here for a while. Any bets on how long I'll last?

A Structured Life - Day 24

2009-06-24T23:20:00.002-04:00

Talk about a challenge! Not like I thought this was going to be easy. It's not the first time I've attempted to create a structured life for myself. And it won't be the last. I haven't given up on the month of June just yet...I mean, it's not over. Every day (okay, okay 6 out of 7), I think to myself how am I going to be structured today? My lack of planning is evident in my lack of productivity. There are quite a few things that have piled up over the past week or so. Not to mention I haven't gotten to a place of meditating consistently. BUT to my credit, I have been self monitoring my moods and engage in some serious self-care (be it with alone time, a walk or a bit of meditative music) to ward off "the crazies". And that is some serious progress.

So, I will continue to work on creating a structured life. It's an hour past 10:30. Too tired to seriously create a to-do list. I'll start again tomorrow.

Former Students

2009-06-11T13:52:00.008-04:00

In the past 3 days I've heard from 2 former students. One sent me a friend request on Facebook. The other texted me a few minutes ago.

******
UPDATE - I ended up being contacted by 3 former students in the span of one week. Two on FB and one via TM. It was great learning what they were up to. During the six years I "molded the future", I taught hundreds of teenagers. Some of my very first students are turning 29 or 30 this year. Damn!

A Structured Life - Day 7

2009-06-07T21:46:00.002-04:00

So I've had to make some changes to my schedule based on how life was not matching up with my plans. There were a couple of times this week when I got home AFTER my planned bed time. So, I'm going to push it back by 30 minutes and see what happens. There was one list-less day, and I could tell the difference. I was finally able to meditate this morning and, again, I could tell the difference.

Week 1 was full of lessons. Tomorrow starts week 2. And what a great week it will be! :)

A Structured Life - Day 4

2009-06-04T21:12:00.002-04:00

In just 4 days I've seen progress. Unfortunately, last night I was unable to be in bed by 10, because I didn't get home from a meeting until 10pm. But other than that, I've been keeping to the schedule, checking things off of the list and making lists that are actually doable.
The only thing I'm still working on is the meditation piece. It's not something I've ever done with consistency, but have clear memories of how it's helped in the past. My reluctance (if I was going to "shrink" myself) has more to do with my transitioning spiritual/religious beliefs than not having the time. But that's another blog entry for another day.
So, in the name of optimism, I'll just say I'm happy with how things are going so far and I'm looking forward to a day full of clients tomorrow.

A Structured Life - Day 2

2009-06-02T09:48:00.002-04:00

This morning I woke up at 6:15! A full 14 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. All because I was in bed by 10. It's a great feeling to wake up because your body has finished recharging and not as a result of a screaming alarm clock. Now I'm off to have a wonderful and productive day!

Creating structure in my life...Take 47

2009-06-01T07:22:00.002-04:00

For the past few days, I've been following Susan Piver's Discipline Experiment. I thought to myself "oh, it's not just me. Great!" So after much contemplation and debating whether it was a sign for me to try again, I'm trying again.
My life is full of to-do lists that don't get completed, a sleep schedule that is crap (participating in a study for Glamour Mag didn't even help), a non-existent exercise regimen and a bipolar spiritual practice. Now, this is in no way an exercise in self-deprecation or the model of low self-esteem. I am where I am. It's not good, or bad - it just is.

So, with this being my birthday month (26 days until 34) I figured this would be a great time to start a personal project in creating more structure. Here's how it'll go. Every night I'll create my to-do list for the following day and review it to make sure it's actually doable - no sense in setting myself up for failure, right? I'll check items off as they get completed. I'll be as specific as possible with the items on my list, including a deadline or appointment time.

Items that will be on the list every day are:
Wake up no later than 6:30am
Be in bed no later than 10pm
Prayer/meditation for > 5 minutes

Exercise won't happen everyday, so one item on today's to-do list is to create a workout schedule that works with my current schedule.

I will reassess and readjust (if necessary) every Monday. Taking on a whole month seems too daunting, but weekly chunks is perfect for me. At the end of the month, I guess I'll prepare for July.

Now is not the time to think about July. Off to make my to-do list for June 1st!

Happy Saturday

2009-04-11T10:24:00.002-04:00

It's a beautiful Saturday in Durham, and I think I'm going to go window shopping. There's an upcoming event that J insists I go to and I'm actually kinda looking forward to it. I haven't worn a formal dress in years. One more step into the land of the living, I guess. It's been a very good thing to be able to transition into a new environment with the help of fam.

Off to the mall I go.

It's all so new

2009-03-03T17:58:00.002-05:00

So here I am in a new city, with my new-to-me car waiting to start my new job trying to figure out how to create a new life for myself. Since I'm not sure if I'm going to end up in Fayetteville, Raleigh or West Bubble F**k, NC, I don't want to start the whole getting-to-know-you process with folks I may not have the opportunity to get to know.

In the meantime, I am having a ball with my new niece, her old parents and my new car.

I will always be a New Yorker...

2009-02-12T17:18:00.003-05:00

After 1 year and 8 months of New York City living, I'm moving on. Next stop, Durham, NC. The home of my father. I'll be moving in 2 weeks and get more and more excited about it each day. I went for a visit last week and was amazed at how much I enjoyed the absence of noise. I got to meet my new niece & my new boss. I enjoyed the company of family and friends. And I hated to leave. But it's okay, because I'm going back really soon.

When I first moved to San Diego, I asked a friend how long she thought I would stay. Her guess was 4 years - I stayed 6. If anyone asked how long I planned on staying in New York, my answer was that I planned on growing old and dying here. I'm not so sure of that anymore. I won't even venture to guess how long I'll be in NC.

In my heart, I'll always be a New Yorker. Though not a stereotypical New Yorker, I'll always have a bit of an edge about me. I will ALWAYS love the Yankees, Times Square and Central Park. I'll miss dropping by my parents' house, showing visiting friends around town, and "hanging in" with my brother/roomie. Luckily, I have reasons to come back regularly. NYC has a special place in my heart. I will miss it, but am not all that sad to say good-bye.

What a difference 3 weeks makes...

2009-01-27T00:30:00.005-05:00

I just read my entry from 3 weeks ago. I was all pumped up from the start of the new year, my treasure map and the hope of an marvelous 2009. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. Mostly vacillating between scared and excited with a bit of indifference in the middle.

Watching Ali Velshi declare today (officially yesterday) Bloody Monday didn't do much for my absolute resolve and unending determination to find a job (a good one). I may have to stop watching the news for a while. There's nothing new to see. Obama is in, Blagojevich talks too much, the Right disagrees with the Left and vice versa. It's like a soap opera. It won't take too long to catch up after not watching for a while.

I've got work to do. Deciding to stay or go, securing employment, filling out forms, etc., etc., etc. In the words of one of my favorite people I need to "keep the main thing the main thing, and keep the main thing first."

The big debate...

2009-01-21T17:31:00.004-05:00

I'm thinking of moving...again. The never-ending cold days aren't helping any. I want to head south AND stay close to family. I want to stay in New York, yet I don't. I'm sooooo torn.

If I leave I'd need to
- to buy a car
- find a place to live (depending on my destination)

If I stay I'd need to
- get used to NYC commuting
- resign to being FAR from decent nature
- resign to NYC winter

Clearly, I don't have a compelling argument on either side. Still debating.

Show Your Spark Day!

2009-01-16T12:24:00.002-05:00

My next tattoo

2009-01-12T00:38:00.002-05:00

When I got my second tattoo, I told myself I was done. But now...I feel the need to mark this stage in my life...literally. Nothing describes me better (at this moment) than a phoenix. Maybe a late Christmas present to myself with my second paycheck.

Next step. Land a job.

2009-01-06T17:40:00.006-05:00

With the new year I decided to take the lessons from 2008 and use them to be unbelievably successful in 2009. It was a rough year. For most of it I was unemployed and depressed. Not sad. Depressed (I'm a therapist, I know the difference). I stayed in the house A LOT and reached my highest weight ever. Not pretty.

But that was then!! Now, I've decided to not let my demons win. My focus is on making me better. Then, maybe I can focus on saving the rest of the world. :)

I dug out a prosperity treasure map that I got when I attended Hillside Chapel & Truth Center in Atlanta (yes, I held on to it for over 7 years and it crossed the country twice). I never filled it out. Mostly out of fear and my inability to believe I deserve all the wonderful things I wanted in life. Now the fear is gone. I know what I want. I know I deserve it. And I know I can make it happen.

Here's to a marvelous 2009!

Personality Quiz

2009-01-05T23:22:00.003-05:00

I'm not quite sure what to do with this info, other than acknowledge that it seems to describe me pretty well.

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Self-Knowing Spiritual Reinventer

Still hunting

2008-12-13T23:30:00.002-05:00

It's been about 7 months since I've had a job; a little over 1 year since I've worked full-time. To be fair, a part of that time was spent trying to get my business off the ground (which was like a full-time, unpaid internship). It didn't grow like I had hoped. So here I am, still looking for work and completely over the whole process. It's becoming more and more difficult to put on the façade of interest at an interview when all I want to say is "look, all I want is the job and a decent paycheck. Who cares where I see myself in 5 years? And why all the stupid 'Tell me a time when...' questions."
It's been particularly hard to keep hope alive; but I haven't given up yet. Not completely, anyway.

Sleep

2008-11-22T22:01:00.003-05:00

It's been an "interesting" few weeks. And by interesting, I mean crappy. Not all the time crappy, just mostly crappy. And when life gets crappy, I have a habit of staying up late (zoning out) watching tv. Needless to say, I'm very tired. Right now. And should be going to bed. But I probably won't get in for at least another hour (11PM) - which for me is early. But the first step is logging out and closing the laptop...

My resume

2008-11-14T22:20:00.005-05:00

Earlier today I discovered Wordle.com. Below is an interpretation of my current resume (Click it for a better view.)

DIY Prayer Beads

2008-11-12T20:45:00.005-05:00

I never buy newspapers. Never. But yesterday I did. Barack & Michelle were on the front page and I wanted to read the article about their 1st trip to the White House.
I will also add that I wasn't feeling too well yesterday. I had just come from a job fair and was less than enthusiastic about the results. I bought the newspaper on my way home.

So I'm laying in bed, reading my paper and I come across an ad from the Franciscan Friars about St. Jude and his "mission of supporting those who have lost hope" - like a certain someone who has been job hunting for over 6 months.

Am I Catholic? Nope. So this sparks a late-night online lesson on St. Jude, praying the Novena, Hail Mary, and chaplets/rosaries. During the search I flashbacked going to a Saturday mass at the church where JFK and Jackie O. were married when I was in Newport. There was a man sitting next to me who I kept watching as he moved his rosary through his hand. I was mesmerized.

The next morning (today), I'm determined to have myself a chaplet. After a futile search at a variety of stores for beads, I find out that I already have exactly what I need (a deep thought for another day). So I recycled a bracelet given to me by a woman I met "randomly" and a cross I got during my internship at SD Hospice and created the beautiful piece below.

I've been wanting a set of prayer beads since seeing some beautiful Buddhist meditation beads on a Zen website; and then again after watching the man with his rosary. I've used my DIY chaplet already and it's interesting how it slowed down my process, kept me focused and calmed me down; which I guess is the whole point.

Interview

2008-11-10T15:29:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning all ready to go to a job fair that I just learned about late last night. I was dressed and almost out the door. Then, in a moment of divine intervention, a man on the television said "today, Monday November 10, 2008". And at that moment I distinctly remember the posting reading November 11,2008. But unsure, I quickly walk to my laptop to confirm my fear... it's tomorrow. So I took off my suit and went back to sleep.

Just one of the many dangers of being online after midnight...

The Next Morning - Newspapers from 11/5/08

2008-11-05T15:44:00.002-05:00

Just a few of the front pages from around the country...and one from abroad!

And my personal favorites...

Election Day is tomorrow and I need a plan.

2008-11-03T15:39:00.003-05:00

So tomorrow will be the day that America decides if Barack Obama or John McCain becomes president. My plan is to go vote around 10am - after the pre-work rush. But since I live in the "inner-city", will there be lots of non-workers voting after the morning rush, stoping me from avoiding the long lines? Or maybe I should be there right at 6am when the polls open then go back to bed... I've got about 13 hours to decide...plenty of time

How to keep going?

2008-11-02T12:29:00.006-05:00

There have been moments when I wanted to completely give up. I just felt tired - physically, emotionally, mentally - and thought I had nothing left to give.
I was reminded of that today while watching the ING New York City Marathon. I was near mile 20 and I thought about the fact that by the time the runners pass me, they have already run 20 miles. I'm certain some of them want to give up. But they don't. What is it that keeps them going? And can I buy a can of it at Target?

Back seat chilling

2008-10-28T11:22:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in the back seat of my brother's car headed back to New York. I spent the last 12 days in Newport, RI on a vacation I didn't know I needed. Now I'm headed back to reality...the reality of job hunting and more job hunting.

One Month Later...

2008-10-24T20:19:00.006-04:00

So much has happened, yet I'm in the same place I was a month ago (more on that another day). I've been in Rhode Island for the past week and am loving it! It hasn't gotten cold yet, so I can still go out during the day and enjoy the autumn air, the changing leaves, the wharf in downtown Newport and the beach. I have taken a trip to the water almost everyday I've been here. It never gets old.

I haven't felt so centered...dare I say...normal...since I moved to NYC. I have a new appreciation for the life I left behind. It doesn't mean I'm headed back to the west coast. I love being close to my family too much. But I am considering a compromise.

Stay tuned...

To my readers...

2008-09-22T14:42:00.004-04:00

I would love it if you comment (past or future entries). Let me know what you think about my thoughts. Do you agree/disagree? Have any words of wisdom, sarcasm, love, annoyance, or plain ol' unsolicited advice? Share them with me.

I double-dog dare you :)

Options

2008-09-21T00:37:00.001-04:00

Maybe I'll join the Army and become a linguist. The age limit to enlist is 42...
Or maybe not.

The neighbors

2008-09-18T22:28:00.002-04:00

I'm up listening to the police evict my new neighbors from the apartment downstairs. Greg and I moved in 2 weeks ago and from the first day, they were...uummmm...weird. They never spoke to either of us. It now makes sense that they were trying to not draw attention to themselves; which is hard to do since it's a 3 family house and the first floor apartment was vacant. We were the only 2 occupants of the building and was just weird to not speak...ever. And if you know me, it wasn't for lack of trying.

A few minutes ago, the lady of the house got put into a squad car and taken away. The super just finished changing the locks on their apartment door, and they gave us a new key to the main door. After the drama was all over I said to my brother, "You know, just when I think I've got it bad, there's some one else who's got it way worse."

Yes, I'm unemployed. Yes, the current state of the economy may make it impossible for me to get a small business loan. Yes, all of the folks in NYC looking for work make for stiff competition. BUT, I have a home. I haven't gone hungry one day yet. And although the creditors are calling and the budget is super-duper tight, I have what I need. And I'm not spending the night in jail because I got evicted. I can't even imagine.

It's unfortunate that it sometimes takes another person's misfortune to realize my life really isn't as bad as I think. My life has definitely seen better days. But it could be a whole helluva lot worse. Not a new life lesson, but one that clearly needed reteaching.

Where were you?

2008-09-11T08:21:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting in my livingroom watching memorials for the 7th anniversary of 9/11. The one question the reporters keep asking is "do you remember where you were?"

It was a little before 6AM and I was sitting on the floor of my new apartment watching the morning news and eating a bowl of cereal (I had just moved to San Diego from Atlanta 3 weeks earlier). Matt Lauer comes on with the breaking news of a Cessnia (sp?) hitting one of the towers and live video of the smoke. All of a sudden the 2nd plane hits on live TV. My jaw drops. I say "Oh shit!" I stare at the television in disbelief.
I want to stay and watch, but I have to get to work and try to teach. On the drive I try to call my mom to see if we know anyone who works in the area...no phone calls going through.
I get to work and I turn on the TV in my classroom to get the updates. School starts. I turn the TV off. We don't do math. It's hard for everyone to concentrate (teacher included), so we debrief instead. My kids are concerned about me and my family - they know I'm from New York. The faculty and administration are concerned too. I'm touched by the support. I turn on the TV between classes to get updates. The rest of the day is a blur of shock and disbelief.

What I do remember is a complete sense of uselessness. There was nothing I could do to help from the other side of the country.

As I sit here watching 2 young ladies read the names of those who died, I'm thinking of how I can best serve my city. Several ideas are running through my head. There are so many people in need and I have the time and talent to help. I love my city. Watching so many New Yorkers hurting hurts me. It motivates me. I've been too blessed to not pay it forward.

Transitions

2008-09-09T12:35:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows I move around a lot. I'm always in a state of transition. Whether I'm moving across town (like this past weekend), across the country, changing jobs, going back to school, starting a business, or changing my hair color, there is always change. The majorirty of the time, the change is my doing. Even one of my tattoos is a symbol meaning "I'm changing/tansforming my life".

Yes, change is the only constant, but is there something to be said for "stability"? I don't regret any of the decisions and life changes I've made. The twenties should be about exploration and I explored. But now that I'm no longer in my 20's I want to settle down and create a home-base. Not because I "should", but because I'm tired. I don't think I've felt "settled" since I left for college at 18.

This is a radical mindshift for me. What's it like to stay put through life's challenges and not pack up & leave? What's it like to be bored and/or scared and not leave? What's it like to not allow the fear of going down the wrong road to keep you from picking one? (That's deep!)

Now for today's gratitude list:
1. My upcoming trip to Jamaica
2. My niece and nephews who helped me & my brother move.
3. The fan that's doing a wonderful job keeping me cool (no AC).

Gratitude List

2008-09-05T21:54:00.002-04:00

Today I am grateful for:

1. My new apartment!!! Things always do work out.
2. My sister-in-law, Fran. She always makes me laugh - even when she's not "being funny" :)
3. NYC Transit. It always takes me where I need to go. It may take an hour & 40 minutes, but I WILL reach my destination.

It's tomorrow!

2008-09-02T02:21:00.002-04:00

I have this thing about waking up in the morning and not going to bed until tomorrow (meaning after midnight). For a while, I was doing really well and getting the rest I need. BUT the past few weeks, I've not been successful. I can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight or got 7 (or more) uninterrupted hours of sleep. And since it's almost 2:30AM, it's a wrap for tonight. Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow. Or should I say tonight...

Being a predator sure is tiring...

2008-08-30T11:19:00.003-04:00

I've been on the hunt for quite some time. On the hunt...for a job and a place to call home. The hunt for the apartment is coming to an end. I'm moving at the end of the week. The hunt for a job will come to an end when it does. So I continue to do all the things one does when looking for work. But as the title says, it sure is tiring.

Fortunately for me, I have one of the best support systems a girl could ask for. Whether it's financial or emotional support, I have been spared from hitting rock bottom. I'm not homeless, hungry, nor deeply depressed. And for that, I am oh so grateful. There have definitely been some crappy days/weeks/months in my recent past. In that same time I've traveled on an amazing spiritual/existential journey that has resulted in some serious growth. I'm still on that journey.

So today I'm grateful for:
1. A much needed 3 hour "nap".
2. Needle & thread
3. Buddhism Is Not What You Think: Finding Freedom Beyond Beliefs by Steve Hagen

Grateful for me?!!

2008-08-21T21:40:00.007-04:00

The most amazing thing happened this evening. One of my couples had their last session. They gave me a card and a small gift. I was really touched by the words they wrote in the card. They were expressing their gratitude for me and the work I did with them.

It's a strange feeling to know that I directly impacted the life of others. It's a mix of excitement, humbleness, surprise and pride. I am still getting used to someone saying "thank-you" to me. There is still a teeny-tiny part of me that wants to say "Really?" when I hear a complement about my work. Much smaller than it used to be, but still present.

There's a difference between knowing (intellectually) that I am a more than competent marriage consultant and knowing it. I can objectively say that I have the education and experience to do what I do well. It's another to believe it in your core - being confident without letting it turn to cockiness. Talk about a balancing act.

All that to say, it's MARVELOUS getting positive reviews from someone who is not family or a friend. Makes it hard for me to use the "it's because they love me" argument.

Change: The only conststant

2008-08-18T10:11:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how tightly people hold on to the past because it's comfortable. And by "people", I mean me. Even if it's near the top of the not-beneficial list, I hold on because I know how to live with it. To be clear, I am well aware of how certain things hold me back and have even let go a few times. The problem comes when I go back in search of these maladaptive habits & thoughts because the unknown is too freaking scary.
Yes, I've moved across country...twice. Yes, I gave up "good work" to go back to school and switch careers. I embrace change. Sometimes.

Lucky for me, I have people in my life who recognize when I'm back-sliding and challenge/help me let go of old, bad habits. I've come to accept the process. It's a bit like rehab. I may relapse. That's ok. I may never relapse. Even better. No need for judgment. That's just an invitation for the bad habits/thoughts to come back for an extended vacation.

I'm in the process of letting go of the thoughts and habits that have held me back. This time I'm not worrying about how long it'll last and if I'll relapse again. All that does is keep me stuck. I'm working in the moment. No judgment. No elaborate plans. One minute at a time.

Gratitude List

2008-07-22T22:54:00.002-04:00

Today was a great day! I learned a lot and felt a lot of love. So here's today's list.

1. Ingrid's encouragement. She's the best!

2. Lisa's help. She gave me some wonderful ideas. She has wonderful energy and I'm so glad I met her.

3. A beautiful day in New York City.

Gratitude List

2008-07-16T22:10:00.002-04:00

1. The many wonderful women at the Consultant's Connection lunch.

2. The best birthday party for a 4-year old EVER!

3. A great morning walk.

Giving Thanks

2008-07-01T13:28:00.002-04:00

It's important that those I love KNOW that I love and appreciate them. Here's the e-card I sent to my girls who helped me celebrate my 33rd b-day.
Cost: FREE
Added value to relationship: PRICELESS

Make a Smilebox free ecard

1 Year Anniversary

2008-06-22T12:28:00.002-04:00

Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of my return to New York. And what an interesting year it has been. I've already had 2 different jobs, started a business, lived in 3 different places and have met and reconnected with some great/interesting folks.
I do miss San Diego, at times. The beach, my friends...that's about it. I look upon those 6 years of my life with (mostly) fond memories. But now I'm here...in the Big Apple...and loving it! I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me.

Golden

2008-06-18T10:51:00.002-04:00

The past few days have been FREAKIN' AWESOME. It's amazing, but not surprising, the wonderful-ness that comes my way when I decide to live from a place of unwavering faith, abundance and positive energy. Crap still happens. It just doesn't have the same effect as when I'm living from a place of uncertainty, limitation and negative energy.

Amazing...

The Secret

2008-06-10T21:57:00.002-04:00

So today, a few friends and I watched "The Secret". Lo and behold, it wasn't much of a secret. The Law of Attraction is being shouted from the roof tops by a plethora of practitioners. It's just a question of who's going to listen and practice with unwavering faith. I used to be that way. Then things happened and I wasn't. And now I'm in the middle deciding which way to go.
I can honestly say, God has been placing a few not-so-subtle clues in my path to get me back to living a life of unwavering faith. And I have noticed each and every one of them. Mostly because living that way is FREAKIN' AWESOME and a big part of me is screaming "come on already!!!"

As I write this, I'm trying to figure out...what the hell's the problem? Do I even need to know, or can I just start right now? Make the decision and the decision is made.

The decision has just been made.

Getting old

2008-05-22T09:00:00.002-04:00

Since my last post my grandmother turned 90 and we had a big shindig in her honor. It was lovely, great to see family, yadda-yadda-yadda.

Do you know how OLD 90 is? I'm 32. This means to get to where she is, I'd have to do my life almost two more times - without the part where I need to learn to walk/talk/read. It's unfathomable. I'm just saying...that's a lot of time to either do some GREAT things or f*ck up.

Life

2008-05-04T22:12:00.003-04:00

Yesterday evening, we celebrated my grandmother's 90th birthday. That's right, 90 years. She was born in 1918. As one of my brothers said in the welcome, 1918 to most of us is a year in the history books. What a blessing to have witnessed the MANY changes that have happened in this country during her ninety years. I am definitely grateful to have her in my life.

I figured that if I make it to 90 years old, it will be 2065. I wonder what the world will be like then. Whatever it's like (environmentally, politically, economically, socially), I just pray that I am surrounded by love the way my grandmother was last night.

Gratitude List

2008-04-11T23:15:00.002-04:00

1. My education

2. My friends

3. My family

Gratitude List

2008-04-09T22:50:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I've made a list. Trust, it's not that I have nothing to be grateful for. There are LOTS of blessings in my life. Here are my 3 for today...

1. Unexpected income from a dear friend.

2. A beautiful spring day in New York City

3. A lovely meal cooked by my brother.

Gratitude List

2008-02-04T13:04:00.000-05:00

1. My family. I had such a great time at my parents house yesterday, watching the Super Bowl while braiding my niece's hair and listening to 3 of my brothers and my dad do that male bonding thing over football and pizza.

2. The New York Giants...for helping to provide a wonderful ending to the evening described in #1

3. Water. It's good and good for me. Time to refill the water bottle.

Gratitude List

2008-01-28T12:23:00.000-05:00

1. Inspiration received from Gloria Estefan's song, "Coming Out of the Dark"
2. In Good Company for a place to work
3. The top I'm wearing, which makes my breasts look GREAT

Gratitude List

2008-01-22T08:05:00.000-05:00

Here are 3 things I'm grateful for today:

1. The sun is shining
2. I feel well rested
3. I have a full day ahead of me

It's all About Perspective

2008-01-20T17:22:00.000-05:00

Today I was reminded just how blessed I am. I ran into the mother of a childhood friend. She told me that her daughter has gotten into drugs and is no longer taking care of her children. One is with her (this friend's mother) and the other two are with their father. At one point this young lady was modeling and had a promising career ahead of her. And now her life is focused on her next hit. That made me sad, and I immediately said a prayer for her.

But then a thought came to me... I have spent so much time comparing myself to those in my life I perceive to have more than me, that I never looked at the many ways I am blessed. I have coveted many aspects of the lives of different friends; income, education, relationships, group membership, physical attributes, places they've traveled, etc. You name it, I have a friend who has it in a way I thought I wanted. Talk about depressing. There was no way I could feel good about myself that way.

This is not to say that I am better than this childhood friend of mine, but I do realize that compared to her, I've got it pretty damn good. Compared to a lot of people, I've got it good. Does that mean I don't want new things and can't use the folks in my life for inspiration...absolutely not! It just means that I have to remind myself that not having doesn't mean I'm less than. There is a HUGE difference between being inspired and coveting. The energy is different. The way I feel about me is different.

So as the title says it's all about perspective. Do I look at myself as a "have" or a "have not"? Either way, I'm right.