Let Go, Let God

Last night, I decided to start writing again as a way to manage all that is going on within and around me. Immediately, I got caught up in the minutiae of it all - what to write about, where to find the prompts, should I commit to a year, do I focus on the grief, the adjustment to my new life in NH (being part of the 1 percent), life of a boarding school teacher or some combination thereof? I finally settled on using the title or subtitle of the Daily Word as my springboard. Then I went to sleep.

This morning I wake up, open the iPad and the title for the day is Let Go, Let God. How appropriate. No need to worry about how this is going to take shape. No need to worry about all the details. Right? So why did I spend the next 30 minutes trying to find the perfect app to write/edit in, on the off chance that I'm offline when it comes time to write my post for the day? Because I really don't want to do this; that's why. I prefer to keep the lid on the Pandora's Box that is my heart/mind. However, I know that if I am going to make it through this term (especially) with my sanity intact, I need to write. I need to let go.

It is my intention to make it a daily practice. To take 5-10 minutes out of my day to decompress, reconnect, reflect or be random. There is a lot of anxiety swirling inside and it needs to be released. I am going to trust that the prompts I need will appear on the days I need them. This will last as long as it needs to.

I let go. I let God.

Easier said than done. Classes begin on Friday. Students start arriving on Tuesday (football team is already here). Already, I worry about

• Meeting my advisees and their parents and hoping they feel comfortable leaving their children in my charge
• The working relationship that will develop with the other dorm faculty
• The first day/week of classes. I haven't felt this underprepared in a very long time
• My ability to carve out time to do stuff just for me. 
• Making friends 
• Cracking under the self-imposed and unspoken institutional pressure for excellence
• Unexpected and untimely tears. I just passed the 2 month mark on August 28th

Wow. It's a very different experience seeing my worries in black and white versus swirling around in my head. I guess that's step one in letting go. As I continue to look at this list, I see the clear distinction between those I have some control over and those I do not. For those I can't control, I let go. For those I do, I let God. Well, that's the plan.