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Maybe I'll join the Army and become a linguist. The age limit to enlist is 42...
Or maybe not.

The neighbors

I'm up listening to the police evict my new neighbors from the apartment downstairs. Greg and I moved in 2 weeks ago and from the first day, they were...uummmm...weird. They never spoke to either of us. It now makes sense that they were trying to not draw attention to themselves; which is hard to do since it's a 3 family house and the first floor apartment was vacant. We were the only 2 occupants of the building and was just weird to not speak...ever. And if you know me, it wasn't for lack of trying.

A few minutes ago, the lady of the house got put into a squad car and taken away. The super just finished changing the locks on their apartment door, and they gave us a new key to the main door. After the drama was all over I said to my brother, "You know, just when I think I've got it bad, there's some one else who's got it way worse."

Yes, I'm unemployed. Yes, the current state of the economy may make it impossible for me to get a small business loan. Yes, all of the folks in NYC looking for work make for stiff competition. BUT, I have a home. I haven't gone hungry one day yet. And although the creditors are calling and the budget is super-duper tight, I have what I need. And I'm not spending the night in jail because I got evicted. I can't even imagine.

It's unfortunate that it sometimes takes another person's misfortune to realize my life really isn't as bad as I think. My life has definitely seen better days. But it could be a whole helluva lot worse. Not a new life lesson, but one that clearly needed reteaching.

Where were you?

I'm sitting in my livingroom watching memorials for the 7th anniversary of 9/11. The one question the reporters keep asking is "do you remember where you were?"

It was a little before 6AM and I was sitting on the floor of my new apartment watching the morning news and eating a bowl of cereal (I had just moved to San Diego from Atlanta 3 weeks earlier). Matt Lauer comes on with the breaking news of a Cessnia (sp?) hitting one of the towers and live video of the smoke. All of a sudden the 2nd plane hits on live TV. My jaw drops. I say "Oh shit!" I stare at the television in disbelief.
I want to stay and watch, but I have to get to work and try to teach. On the drive I try to call my mom to see if we know anyone who works in the area...no phone calls going through.
I get to work and I turn on the TV in my classroom to get the updates. School starts. I turn the TV off. We don't do math. It's hard for everyone to concentrate (teacher included), so we debrief instead. My kids are concerned about me and my family - they know I'm from New York. The faculty and administration are concerned too. I'm touched by the support. I turn on the TV between classes to get updates. The rest of the day is a blur of shock and disbelief.

What I do remember is a complete sense of uselessness. There was nothing I could do to help from the other side of the country.

As I sit here watching 2 young ladies read the names of those who died, I'm thinking of how I can best serve my city. Several ideas are running through my head. There are so many people in need and I have the time and talent to help. I love my city. Watching so many New Yorkers hurting hurts me. It motivates me. I've been too blessed to not pay it forward.

Transitions

Anyone who knows me knows I move around a lot. I'm always in a state of transition. Whether I'm moving across town (like this past weekend), across the country, changing jobs, going back to school, starting a business, or changing my hair color, there is always change. The majorirty of the time, the change is my doing. Even one of my tattoos is a symbol meaning "I'm changing/tansforming my life".

Yes, change is the only constant, but is there something to be said for "stability"? I don't regret any of the decisions and life changes I've made. The twenties should be about exploration and I explored. But now that I'm no longer in my 20's I want to settle down and create a home-base. Not because I "should", but because I'm tired. I don't think I've felt "settled" since I left for college at 18.

This is a radical mindshift for me. What's it like to stay put through life's challenges and not pack up & leave? What's it like to be bored and/or scared and not leave? What's it like to not allow the fear of going down the wrong road to keep you from picking one? (That's deep!)


Now for today's gratitude list:
1. My upcoming trip to Jamaica
2. My niece and nephews who helped me & my brother move.
3. The fan that's doing a wonderful job keeping me cool (no AC).

Gratitude List

Today I am grateful for:

1. My new apartment!!! Things always do work out.
2. My sister-in-law, Fran. She always makes me laugh - even when she's not "being funny" :)
3. NYC Transit. It always takes me where I need to go. It may take an hour & 40 minutes, but I WILL reach my destination.

It's tomorrow!

I have this thing about waking up in the morning and not going to bed until tomorrow (meaning after midnight). For a while, I was doing really well and getting the rest I need. BUT the past few weeks, I've not been successful. I can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight or got 7 (or more) uninterrupted hours of sleep. And since it's almost 2:30AM, it's a wrap for tonight. Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow. Or should I say tonight...

Being a predator sure is tiring...

I've been on the hunt for quite some time. On the hunt...for a job and a place to call home. The hunt for the apartment is coming to an end. I'm moving at the end of the week. The hunt for a job will come to an end when it does. So I continue to do all the things one does when looking for work. But as the title says, it sure is tiring.

Fortunately for me, I have one of the best support systems a girl could ask for. Whether it's financial or emotional support, I have been spared from hitting rock bottom. I'm not homeless, hungry, nor deeply depressed. And for that, I am oh so grateful. There have definitely been some crappy days/weeks/months in my recent past. In that same time I've traveled on an amazing spiritual/existential journey that has resulted in some serious growth. I'm still on that journey.

So today I'm grateful for:
1. A much needed 3 hour "nap".
2. Needle & thread
3. Buddhism Is Not What You Think: Finding Freedom Beyond Beliefs by Steve Hagen

Grateful for me?!!

The most amazing thing happened this evening. One of my couples had their last session. They gave me a card and a small gift. I was really touched by the words they wrote in the card. They were expressing their gratitude for me and the work I did with them.

It's a strange feeling to know that I directly impacted the life of others. It's a mix of excitement, humbleness, surprise and pride. I am still getting used to someone saying "thank-you" to me. There is still a teeny-tiny part of me that wants to say "Really?" when I hear a complement about my work. Much smaller than it used to be, but still present.

There's a difference between knowing (intellectually) that I am a more than competent marriage consultant and knowing it. I can objectively say that I have the education and experience to do what I do well. It's another to believe it in your core - being confident without letting it turn to cockiness. Talk about a balancing act.

All that to say, it's MARVELOUS getting positive reviews from someone who is not family or a friend. Makes it hard for me to use the "it's because they love me" argument.

Change: The only conststant

It's amazing how tightly people hold on to the past because it's comfortable. And by "people", I mean me. Even if it's near the top of the not-beneficial list, I hold on because I know how to live with it. To be clear, I am well aware of how certain things hold me back and have even let go a few times. The problem comes when I go back in search of these maladaptive habits & thoughts because the unknown is too freaking scary.
Yes, I've moved across country...twice. Yes, I gave up "good work" to go back to school and switch careers. I embrace change. Sometimes.

Lucky for me, I have people in my life who recognize when I'm back-sliding and challenge/help me let go of old, bad habits. I've come to accept the process. It's a bit like rehab. I may relapse. That's ok. I may never relapse. Even better. No need for judgment. That's just an invitation for the bad habits/thoughts to come back for an extended vacation.

I'm in the process of letting go of the thoughts and habits that have held me back. This time I'm not worrying about how long it'll last and if I'll relapse again. All that does is keep me stuck. I'm working in the moment. No judgment. No elaborate plans. One minute at a time.

Gratitude List

Today was a great day! I learned a lot and felt a lot of love. So here's today's list.

1. Ingrid's encouragement. She's the best!

2. Lisa's help. She gave me some wonderful ideas. She has wonderful energy and I'm so glad I met her.

3. A beautiful day in New York City.

Gratitude List

1. The many wonderful women at the Consultant's Connection lunch.

2. The best birthday party for a 4-year old EVER!

3. A great morning walk.

Giving Thanks

It's important that those I love KNOW that I love and appreciate them. Here's the e-card I sent to my girls who helped me celebrate my 33rd b-day.
Cost: FREE
Added value to relationship: PRICELESS

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