50 lbs.

It's official - I weigh 50 lbs less than I did on my birthday two years ago. Go me!!!

That is all.

Happy Birthday, Moma

Yesterday was my grandmother's birthday. She would have turned 93. I had been dreading yesterday for months. As her birthday grew closer, I got more anxious. I knew I had to teach and had vivid images of me "losing it" while reviewing how to solve quadratic equations. As a former grief counselor, I know that it can sneak up on you at the most random times and especially on important anniversary dates.

I needed to be proactive - the alternative was lots of tears at "inappropriate times" and lots of bad food. Lots of it. I wore jeans and a black top and put a bright yellow (faux) flower in my hair. The flower made me think of her and smile throughout the day. It brought me back from the edge and helped me not be so annoyed with my students. One little fake flower from Wally World. Who knew? I picked up my sis from the airport in the afternoon and hung out with her and her mom for a few hours. I went to a networking event and connected with a good friend in the evening.

I think having a busy day helped. No need to plan being sad. I did have my moments. In the morning with my coffee and, of course, in the car - that seems to be my spot for Moma-related tears. On the drive home last night, I reflected on the day. It seemed as if for HER birthday, she gave me several gifts. I had a few a-ha moments related to my soon-to-be new business, our relationship, and my love-life (or current lack thereof). More on that another day. Maybe.

What I know for sure is this year will be filled with several "the first ______ without her." Hmmm.

OBL

Last night I watched people in NYC and DC celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden on TV. All I could think is that somewhere in the world, at least one person is now in mourning. I'm talking about a loved one, not his ideological followers. No matter how deplorable his actions were, there is someone, somewhere who loved him in spite of it all. I send some healing energy to that person.

And I send lots of love and healing energy to all those who lost someone on 9/11 as they deal with reopened wounds and mixed emotions.

Simultaneously Grieving and Teaching

Wednesday is my grandmother's birthday. It's the first one since she died in December. I've been quietly, anxiously anticipating it for months. Wednesday is a teaching day. Meaning I have to be "on". Thankfully, it's the end of the semester and we will simply be reviewing for their upcoming final exam next week. All that means is I don't have to be on my A game. But like I said, I've been quietly anxious about this for months; like a program running in the background of my brain.

The entire semester has been a mental challenge. I didn't see it in the moment. But as I look back over the past four months I can see the effects of my grief in my actions (or inaction) and in my attitude.

Anywhooo, the past two weeks have been particularly interesting. It's the end of the semester. I'm on pins and easily annoyed. My students are being annoying. And it takes a lot of energy to not say "Please. Shut the hell/fuck up." I get WHY I'm on pins and easily annoyed. Doesn't make it go away.

Horoscope

I read my horoscope on my phone about an hour ago, and it totally wigged me out.

Here it is:

Is it better to be a big fish in a small pond, or a small fish in a big pond? In the former situation, the big fish rules the world. But that leaves him with few if any equals, and no one to share a friendship with. On the other hand, if one is a small fish in a big pond, there's a gigantic world to explore, but predators abound and competition is stiff. There's a happy medium. You're very unique, Moonchild. There are more options available to you than you're now considering. Think about venturing off in your own direction. Follow the stream that leads away from the pond and toward infinite possibilities.

Now, I don't usually put much stock in what my horoscope says; it's for entertainment purposes only. AND I know the probability that something in it will be somewhat related to one of the many pieces of my life is relatively high - I'm a numbers girl after all. But this was freaky.

Why, you ask. I'll tell you why. The very first sentence was the exact thought I had earlier today. In my current day-to-day, I am the "fountain of knowledge". It is rare that I have an opportunity to be the sponge, just soaking up new stuff from folks more knowledgeable than me. It's why I enjoy being a student so much. However, going back to school is not an option right now.

The path I'm currently pursuing has the potential to be that big pond, filled with predators and cut-throat competition. Not my cup of tea. I'm too much of a low-key, Buddhist-type for all that.

I have to find my happy medium. For me, it means I will be

• intellectually stimulated
• teaching others
• talking - a lot
• collaborating regularly
• involved in little-no drama
• valued
• appropriately compensated

I regularly follow my gut (spirit guide, intuition, God's whisper) and it's worked for the most part, thus far. 

So I take today's horoscope as a sign. It spoke to me in the moment and caused me to pause. A sign of what? Who knows? Feels like part confirmation, part kick in the ass. 

3 pull-ups

The ultimate test of upper-body strength is to be able to do pull-ups from a hanging position. I attempted to do one last week, and failed miserably. It was actually rather amusing. However, it has now become the thing at the gym I must conquer.

Stay tuned...

10 Months Later...AGAIN

At the request of a loyal reader, I am bringing the blog back to life. Thanks for the push! (you know who you are)

When I thought about it, I really have no excuse for not keeping it current. The last entry in my personal journal was in January. I haven't been writing online or on paper. Unacceptable. Time to get out of my head, and back into the real world of the internet. ;)

No need for a recap; if you know me, then you know the highlights. 

I will say this; I'm happy to be writing again. I'm happy to be happy. I'm happy that I'm regaining my physical, mental and emotional strength. Despite several challenges, life is good.

I am, once again, at a major transition in my life. Not really news. As they say - and I'm not really sure who "they" are, but I digress - the only constant in life is change. I've come to accept that. It's like the Borg; resistance is futile.

I'm still on the job hunt. I want to stay in the Raleigh-Durham area and I affirm that regularly. BUT if the right job is elsewhere, off I go. As I think about that, I have to ask myself "Is it really the right job, if it's somewhere else?" Hmmm...

It's June!!!!

Okay, now that June is here and my birthday is in 23 days - I'm getting more excited with each passing day! I think the freak out is over. Since my day is on a Sunday, I'll be celebrating on Saturday. Celebrating with a few friends and blending it with a Pure Romance party. It's going to be a night of celebrating womanhood and our fabulousness.

Soooo excited!!!

Birthdays

Two days ago my grandmother turned 92 years old. Ninety-two. Or as a certain Dancing With the Stars football player would say - Nueve Dos. That's old. And my mom recently turned 69. That's kinda old (damn near 70).

Why do I bring this up? Because in 52 days I will be turning 35 and am having mini-freakouts regularly.
Sorry to disappoint if you thought this was going to be an entry about my fabulous grandmother. This is MY blog, let her get her own :)

So back to me - 35 just sounds old and it's about to be the number that describes me. Doesn't sound as old as 92, but it still sounds old. As you can tell, I haven't quite embraced it yet. Accepted it? Absolutely - don't really have a choice. Embraced? Not so much. And as I reflect, I can honestly say it has nothing to do with my being single or without children. It's about OLD. I can get married or get pregnant, but I can't not get old. Bummer.

Oh well. I'm going to party anyway; because if you know me you know how much I LOVE my birthday. And hopefully, in the midst of the party, me and 35 will become friends. Or at least friendly acquaintances.

Friends

I have some pretty amazing people in my life. I'm totally lucky/blessed/happy to be able to think of some family members as friends and that I have friends who I consider family. Not everyone can say that; but I can. :)

A Strutured Life

I looked at the few posts before my grand comeback, and they was all about trying to create a structured life. As I think about last summer, my life was still full of chaos and it was a futile attempt on my part to create some order where little existed. Now that there is a bit more structure to my life, it's so much easier to put a system in place. And so far, it's working.

First, getting up at the same time every morning (7am) regardless of what's on my schedule for the day is the best decision I've made in a minute. I alter the wake-up time by no more than an hour in either direction - and it has to be for a really good reason.

I'm back to being a gym rat :) It's a scheduled part of my day. Having the goal of completing the Reggae Half Marathon in December is a big motivation. I even have 13.1 (the distance of the race) as the background on my laptop. It's a nice constant reminder of why I keep going. I also plan to bring sexy back in a big way - can't do that while trying to catch my breath at the top of a flight of stairs. Not to mention, the extra lbs are a reflection of a darker period in my life. Since I'm not there anymore, it's about time my outside match my inside.

And then there's the business. Damn it if it isn't hard work, but I love what I do so it's totally worth it. Speaking of the business, it's time to head to the office.

10 months later

Did you miss me? I didn't realize how long it's been since I last posted. So much has happened, but if you know me, there's no need for a recap. Anywhoo, at this moment, I'm standing at the computer in my classroom while my students take their test. Hope the sound of me typing isn't distracting. I absolutely love teaching adults - especially at community college. There's a seriousness from the students here that doesn't exist at a "regular" college/university. And since many of my students are my age or older, I can relate to them in a totally different way.

On a completely different note, I'm getting used to my new home. I guess that's a good thing, since I've been here now for a year & a month. Of all the places I've lived, SD is still at the top of the list, but the Triangle is indeed growing on me. Looks like I'll be here for a while. Any bets on how long I'll last?