50 lbs.

It's official - I weigh 50 lbs less than I did on my birthday two years ago. Go me!!!

That is all.

Happy Birthday, Moma

Yesterday was my grandmother's birthday. She would have turned 93. I had been dreading yesterday for months. As her birthday grew closer, I got more anxious. I knew I had to teach and had vivid images of me "losing it" while reviewing how to solve quadratic equations. As a former grief counselor, I know that it can sneak up on you at the most random times and especially on important anniversary dates.

I needed to be proactive - the alternative was lots of tears at "inappropriate times" and lots of bad food. Lots of it. I wore jeans and a black top and put a bright yellow (faux) flower in my hair. The flower made me think of her and smile throughout the day. It brought me back from the edge and helped me not be so annoyed with my students. One little fake flower from Wally World. Who knew? I picked up my sis from the airport in the afternoon and hung out with her and her mom for a few hours. I went to a networking event and connected with a good friend in the evening.

I think having a busy day helped. No need to plan being sad. I did have my moments. In the morning with my coffee and, of course, in the car - that seems to be my spot for Moma-related tears. On the drive home last night, I reflected on the day. It seemed as if for HER birthday, she gave me several gifts. I had a few a-ha moments related to my soon-to-be new business, our relationship, and my love-life (or current lack thereof). More on that another day. Maybe.

What I know for sure is this year will be filled with several "the first ______ without her." Hmmm.

OBL

Last night I watched people in NYC and DC celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden on TV. All I could think is that somewhere in the world, at least one person is now in mourning. I'm talking about a loved one, not his ideological followers. No matter how deplorable his actions were, there is someone, somewhere who loved him in spite of it all. I send some healing energy to that person.

And I send lots of love and healing energy to all those who lost someone on 9/11 as they deal with reopened wounds and mixed emotions.

Simultaneously Grieving and Teaching

Wednesday is my grandmother's birthday. It's the first one since she died in December. I've been quietly, anxiously anticipating it for months. Wednesday is a teaching day. Meaning I have to be "on". Thankfully, it's the end of the semester and we will simply be reviewing for their upcoming final exam next week. All that means is I don't have to be on my A game. But like I said, I've been quietly anxious about this for months; like a program running in the background of my brain.

The entire semester has been a mental challenge. I didn't see it in the moment. But as I look back over the past four months I can see the effects of my grief in my actions (or inaction) and in my attitude.

Anywhooo, the past two weeks have been particularly interesting. It's the end of the semester. I'm on pins and easily annoyed. My students are being annoying. And it takes a lot of energy to not say "Please. Shut the hell/fuck up." I get WHY I'm on pins and easily annoyed. Doesn't make it go away.