Joy

Joy is not the same as happiness. Happiness comes and goes, but joy (if you let it) stays in your heart.

The past few days have not been happy. There's the "normal" stuff I wrote about a few days ago. But the biggie was that the mom of a dear friend died a few days ago. Having just passed the 2 month mark of my own mother's death, I had some serious wounds reopen and ooze with grief-filled puss. My heart breaks for her and her family. There is nothing I can do or say to make it better. I can't get there to support her in person. And that sucks. It sucks monkey balls - King Kong sized. It's a pain to physically be one place, but to have my mind and heart hundreds of miles away. It's a pain to have to attempt to focus on the task at hand, when all I can do is think about our moms, our families and our hurt.

There has been no happiness. Actually, there has been some, but not nearly enough to outweigh the pain. There has been lots of frustration, sadness, anger and indifference.

Where does the joy fit in? It's the joy in my heart that has sustained me through it all and will continue to sustain me. I know from personal experience that it will get better; that I will be better.

Recently, a new co-worker said to me "You're always so happy." My reply was "No, I'm always smiling. There's a difference." It's the joy, the knowing, that allows me to smile in the midst of it all. It allows me to be in the moment and appreciate a good joke. It allows me to expend a large amount of emotional energy just to be cordial. While I have spent a good amount of time in another world, when my mind, body and heart are all in the same place at the same time, it is then that I have returned to my joy-filled place. And that is what keeps me on this side of sane.

Wholeness

Through the healing power of gratitude, I am whole.  
(link to Daily Word website with entire affirmation)

The one word that jumps out at me is gratitude. It has been said that focusing on what you're grateful helps to turn the mind around. The brain cannot hold two opposing thoughts at the same time. It is impossible to hold thoughts of gratitude and complaint at the same time. There are books, blogs, etc. that speak about keeping a gratitude journal; writing down 3-5 things each day that you're grateful for. I did that once. It's nice to not be a complainer for a few moments each day. It was also a pain when it seemed as if I were stretching just to have 5 on the list. 

I can honestly say that as I sit here thinking about all that I am grateful for, that the list is quite long. And in spite of it all, I still whine. I still have moments of envy, anxiety and depression. I'm working on it. Life will never be perfect. However, it is my hope that the very long list of things/people/experiences I'm grateful for can, in my mind and heart, overshadow the stuff I whine about.

Funny how this stuff all works together. I decided to attend my old home church (All Saints' UMC) via podcast today. The sermon is from a few weeks ago, but is what I needed to hear today and fits in with today's post. I love the internet.

"Eating In Silence"

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Let Go, Let God

Last night, I decided to start writing again as a way to manage all that is going on within and around me. Immediately, I got caught up in the minutiae of it all - what to write about, where to find the prompts, should I commit to a year, do I focus on the grief, the adjustment to my new life in NH (being part of the 1 percent), life of a boarding school teacher or some combination thereof? I finally settled on using the title or subtitle of the Daily Word as my springboard. Then I went to sleep.

This morning I wake up, open the iPad and the title for the day is Let Go, Let God. How appropriate. No need to worry about how this is going to take shape. No need to worry about all the details. Right? So why did I spend the next 30 minutes trying to find the perfect app to write/edit in, on the off chance that I'm offline when it comes time to write my post for the day? Because I really don't want to do this; that's why. I prefer to keep the lid on the Pandora's Box that is my heart/mind. However, I know that if I am going to make it through this term (especially) with my sanity intact, I need to write. I need to let go.

It is my intention to make it a daily practice. To take 5-10 minutes out of my day to decompress, reconnect, reflect or be random. There is a lot of anxiety swirling inside and it needs to be released. I am going to trust that the prompts I need will appear on the days I need them. This will last as long as it needs to.

I let go. I let God.

Easier said than done. Classes begin on Friday. Students start arriving on Tuesday (football team is already here). Already, I worry about

• Meeting my advisees and their parents and hoping they feel comfortable leaving their children in my charge
• The working relationship that will develop with the other dorm faculty
• The first day/week of classes. I haven't felt this underprepared in a very long time
• My ability to carve out time to do stuff just for me. 
• Making friends 
• Cracking under the self-imposed and unspoken institutional pressure for excellence
• Unexpected and untimely tears. I just passed the 2 month mark on August 28th

Wow. It's a very different experience seeing my worries in black and white versus swirling around in my head. I guess that's step one in letting go. As I continue to look at this list, I see the clear distinction between those I have some control over and those I do not. For those I can't control, I let go. For those I do, I let God. Well, that's the plan.

Horoscope

I read my horoscope on my phone about an hour ago, and it totally wigged me out.

Here it is:

Is it better to be a big fish in a small pond, or a small fish in a big pond? In the former situation, the big fish rules the world. But that leaves him with few if any equals, and no one to share a friendship with. On the other hand, if one is a small fish in a big pond, there's a gigantic world to explore, but predators abound and competition is stiff. There's a happy medium. You're very unique, Moonchild. There are more options available to you than you're now considering. Think about venturing off in your own direction. Follow the stream that leads away from the pond and toward infinite possibilities.

Now, I don't usually put much stock in what my horoscope says; it's for entertainment purposes only. AND I know the probability that something in it will be somewhat related to one of the many pieces of my life is relatively high - I'm a numbers girl after all. But this was freaky.

Why, you ask. I'll tell you why. The very first sentence was the exact thought I had earlier today. In my current day-to-day, I am the "fountain of knowledge". It is rare that I have an opportunity to be the sponge, just soaking up new stuff from folks more knowledgeable than me. It's why I enjoy being a student so much. However, going back to school is not an option right now.

The path I'm currently pursuing has the potential to be that big pond, filled with predators and cut-throat competition. Not my cup of tea. I'm too much of a low-key, Buddhist-type for all that.

I have to find my happy medium. For me, it means I will be

• intellectually stimulated
• teaching others
• talking - a lot
• collaborating regularly
• involved in little-no drama
• valued
• appropriately compensated

I regularly follow my gut (spirit guide, intuition, God's whisper) and it's worked for the most part, thus far. 

So I take today's horoscope as a sign. It spoke to me in the moment and caused me to pause. A sign of what? Who knows? Feels like part confirmation, part kick in the ass. 

10 Months Later...AGAIN

At the request of a loyal reader, I am bringing the blog back to life. Thanks for the push! (you know who you are)

When I thought about it, I really have no excuse for not keeping it current. The last entry in my personal journal was in January. I haven't been writing online or on paper. Unacceptable. Time to get out of my head, and back into the real world of the internet. ;)

No need for a recap; if you know me, then you know the highlights. 

I will say this; I'm happy to be writing again. I'm happy to be happy. I'm happy that I'm regaining my physical, mental and emotional strength. Despite several challenges, life is good.

I am, once again, at a major transition in my life. Not really news. As they say - and I'm not really sure who "they" are, but I digress - the only constant in life is change. I've come to accept that. It's like the Borg; resistance is futile.

I'm still on the job hunt. I want to stay in the Raleigh-Durham area and I affirm that regularly. BUT if the right job is elsewhere, off I go. As I think about that, I have to ask myself "Is it really the right job, if it's somewhere else?" Hmmm...

Birthdays

Two days ago my grandmother turned 92 years old. Ninety-two. Or as a certain Dancing With the Stars football player would say - Nueve Dos. That's old. And my mom recently turned 69. That's kinda old (damn near 70).

Why do I bring this up? Because in 52 days I will be turning 35 and am having mini-freakouts regularly.
Sorry to disappoint if you thought this was going to be an entry about my fabulous grandmother. This is MY blog, let her get her own :)

So back to me - 35 just sounds old and it's about to be the number that describes me. Doesn't sound as old as 92, but it still sounds old. As you can tell, I haven't quite embraced it yet. Accepted it? Absolutely - don't really have a choice. Embraced? Not so much. And as I reflect, I can honestly say it has nothing to do with my being single or without children. It's about OLD. I can get married or get pregnant, but I can't not get old. Bummer.

Oh well. I'm going to party anyway; because if you know me you know how much I LOVE my birthday. And hopefully, in the midst of the party, me and 35 will become friends. Or at least friendly acquaintances.

Friends

I have some pretty amazing people in my life. I'm totally lucky/blessed/happy to be able to think of some family members as friends and that I have friends who I consider family. Not everyone can say that; but I can. :)

A Strutured Life

I looked at the few posts before my grand comeback, and they was all about trying to create a structured life. As I think about last summer, my life was still full of chaos and it was a futile attempt on my part to create some order where little existed. Now that there is a bit more structure to my life, it's so much easier to put a system in place. And so far, it's working.

First, getting up at the same time every morning (7am) regardless of what's on my schedule for the day is the best decision I've made in a minute. I alter the wake-up time by no more than an hour in either direction - and it has to be for a really good reason.

I'm back to being a gym rat :) It's a scheduled part of my day. Having the goal of completing the Reggae Half Marathon in December is a big motivation. I even have 13.1 (the distance of the race) as the background on my laptop. It's a nice constant reminder of why I keep going. I also plan to bring sexy back in a big way - can't do that while trying to catch my breath at the top of a flight of stairs. Not to mention, the extra lbs are a reflection of a darker period in my life. Since I'm not there anymore, it's about time my outside match my inside.

And then there's the business. Damn it if it isn't hard work, but I love what I do so it's totally worth it. Speaking of the business, it's time to head to the office.

10 months later

Did you miss me? I didn't realize how long it's been since I last posted. So much has happened, but if you know me, there's no need for a recap. Anywhoo, at this moment, I'm standing at the computer in my classroom while my students take their test. Hope the sound of me typing isn't distracting. I absolutely love teaching adults - especially at community college. There's a seriousness from the students here that doesn't exist at a "regular" college/university. And since many of my students are my age or older, I can relate to them in a totally different way.

On a completely different note, I'm getting used to my new home. I guess that's a good thing, since I've been here now for a year & a month. Of all the places I've lived, SD is still at the top of the list, but the Triangle is indeed growing on me. Looks like I'll be here for a while. Any bets on how long I'll last?

Happy Saturday

It's a beautiful Saturday in Durham, and I think I'm going to go window shopping. There's an upcoming event that J insists I go to and I'm actually kinda looking forward to it. I haven't worn a formal dress in years. One more step into the land of the living, I guess. It's been a very good thing to be able to transition into a new environment with the help of fam.

Off to the mall I go.

It's all so new

So here I am in a new city, with my new-to-me car waiting to start my new job trying to figure out how to create a new life for myself. Since I'm not sure if I'm going to end up in Fayetteville, Raleigh or West Bubble F**k, NC, I don't want to start the whole getting-to-know-you process with folks I may not have the opportunity to get to know.

In the meantime, I am having a ball with my new niece, her old parents and my new car.

I will always be a New Yorker...

After 1 year and 8 months of New York City living, I'm moving on. Next stop, Durham, NC. The home of my father. I'll be moving in 2 weeks and get more and more excited about it each day. I went for a visit last week and was amazed at how much I enjoyed the absence of noise. I got to meet my new niece & my new boss. I enjoyed the company of family and friends. And I hated to leave. But it's okay, because I'm going back really soon.

When I first moved to San Diego, I asked a friend how long she thought I would stay. Her guess was 4 years - I stayed 6. If anyone asked how long I planned on staying in New York, my answer was that I planned on growing old and dying here. I'm not so sure of that anymore. I won't even venture to guess how long I'll be in NC.

In my heart, I'll always be a New Yorker. Though not a stereotypical New Yorker, I'll always have a bit of an edge about me. I will ALWAYS love the Yankees, Times Square and Central Park. I'll miss dropping by my parents' house, showing visiting friends around town, and "hanging in" with my brother/roomie. Luckily, I have reasons to come back regularly. NYC has a special place in my heart. I will miss it, but am not all that sad to say good-bye.

The big debate...

I'm thinking of moving...again. The never-ending cold days aren't helping any. I want to head south AND stay close to family. I want to stay in New York, yet I don't. I'm sooooo torn.

If I leave I'd need to
- to buy a car
- find a place to live (depending on my destination)

If I stay I'd need to
- get used to NYC commuting
- resign to being FAR from decent nature
- resign to NYC winter

Clearly, I don't have a compelling argument on either side. Still debating.

My next tattoo

When I got my second tattoo, I told myself I was done. But now...I feel the need to mark this stage in my life...literally. Nothing describes me better (at this moment) than a phoenix. Maybe a late Christmas present to myself with my second paycheck.

Next step. Land a job.

With the new year I decided to take the lessons from 2008 and use them to be unbelievably successful in 2009. It was a rough year. For most of it I was unemployed and depressed. Not sad. Depressed (I'm a therapist, I know the difference). I stayed in the house A LOT and reached my highest weight ever. Not pretty.

But that was then!! Now, I've decided to not let my demons win. My focus is on making me better. Then, maybe I can focus on saving the rest of the world. :)

I dug out a prosperity treasure map that I got when I attended Hillside Chapel & Truth Center in Atlanta (yes, I held on to it for over 7 years and it crossed the country twice). I never filled it out. Mostly out of fear and my inability to believe I deserve all the wonderful things I wanted in life. Now the fear is gone. I know what I want. I know I deserve it. And I know I can make it happen.

Here's to a marvelous 2009!

Sleep

It's been an "interesting" few weeks. And by interesting, I mean crappy. Not all the time crappy, just mostly crappy. And when life gets crappy, I have a habit of staying up late (zoning out) watching tv. Needless to say, I'm very tired. Right now. And should be going to bed. But I probably won't get in for at least another hour (11PM) - which for me is early. But the first step is logging out and closing the laptop...

DIY Prayer Beads

I never buy newspapers. Never. But yesterday I did. Barack & Michelle were on the front page and I wanted to read the article about their 1st trip to the White House.
I will also add that I wasn't feeling too well yesterday. I had just come from a job fair and was less than enthusiastic about the results. I bought the newspaper on my way home.

So I'm laying in bed, reading my paper and I come across an ad from the Franciscan Friars about St. Jude and his "mission of supporting those who have lost hope" - like a certain someone who has been job hunting for over 6 months.

Am I Catholic? Nope. So this sparks a late-night online lesson on St. Jude, praying the Novena, Hail Mary, and chaplets/rosaries. During the search I flashbacked going to a Saturday mass at the church where JFK and Jackie O. were married when I was in Newport. There was a man sitting next to me who I kept watching as he moved his rosary through his hand. I was mesmerized.

The next morning (today), I'm determined to have myself a chaplet. After a futile search at a variety of stores for beads, I find out that I already have exactly what I need (a deep thought for another day). So I recycled a bracelet given to me by a woman I met "randomly" and a cross I got during my internship at SD Hospice and created the beautiful piece below.




I've been wanting a set of prayer beads since seeing some beautiful Buddhist meditation beads on a Zen website; and then again after watching the man with his rosary. I've used my DIY chaplet already and it's interesting how it slowed down my process, kept me focused and calmed me down; which I guess is the whole point.

How to keep going?

There have been moments when I wanted to completely give up. I just felt tired - physically, emotionally, mentally - and thought I had nothing left to give.
I was reminded of that today while watching the ING New York City Marathon. I was near mile 20 and I thought about the fact that by the time the runners pass me, they have already run 20 miles. I'm certain some of them want to give up. But they don't. What is it that keeps them going? And can I buy a can of it at Target?

Back seat chilling

I'm sitting in the back seat of my brother's car headed back to New York. I spent the last 12 days in Newport, RI on a vacation I didn't know I needed. Now I'm headed back to reality...the reality of job hunting and more job hunting.

One Month Later...

So much has happened, yet I'm in the same place I was a month ago (more on that another day). I've been in Rhode Island for the past week and am loving it! It hasn't gotten cold yet, so I can still go out during the day and enjoy the autumn air, the changing leaves, the wharf in downtown Newport and the beach. I have taken a trip to the water almost everyday I've been here. It never gets old.








I haven't felt so centered...dare I say...normal...since I moved to NYC. I have a new appreciation for the life I left behind. It doesn't mean I'm headed back to the west coast. I love being close to my family too much. But I am considering a compromise.

Stay tuned...