Sunday, September 23, 2012

Can I Get a Witness?

I spent the morning in tears. And just when I thought I was done...nope.

I had been "keeping it together" all week (just barely). Classes Monday-Saturday. I was on dorm duty Friday and Saturday nights. This morning was the first time all week that I could simply breathe, with no place to be and no coworkers or students to be near. And so the floodgates opened. It is what it is.

At some point it dawned on me that part of the tears were because I'm pissed. I'm pissed that I don't have a witness nearby. Someone who I can laugh with and cry in front of. I just want to let my dreads down and not feel so guarded. It's the challenge living in a closed community. My coworkers are my neighbors. They are the people I break bread with in the dining hall. They are not the people I hang out with. I haven't found those people yet. Oh right... it's only been 6 weeks.

The dilemma is that after 6 days of classes, meetings and 1-2 nights of being mother hen, I just don't have the physical or mental energy to "be on". The warm, inviting, verbose Natasha who has "Talk to me." tattooed on her forehead has morphs into an aloof woman of few words. "Please, shut the hell up" is written in invisible ink. It must be invisible ink, because they still see "Talk to me" when I really just want to be left alone. Since I want to be left alone, I just stay in my apartment. Unfortunately, there is no else here.

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