That moment...

You know that moment between when you lay down for the night and fall asleep? That moment when there are no distractions and the thoughts you haven't had time to think want to be heard. I've been avoiding it like the plague. Those are the moments I think about how much I miss my mom. Those are the moments I think about how much I miss my friends, family and church in NC. Those are the moments I worry about my dad.

I don't like those moments. So I don't go to bed. In some irrational attempt to not have those moments, I busy myself until late in the night. When I hit the bed, I'm so tired I fall asleep almost immediately. Success! There's just one problem. When I wake up the next day, I'm completely whipped because I didn't get enough sleep. Enter unfocused, cranky Natasha; not a good look for someone who just started a new job. Coffee helps me stay awake, but it doesn't clear the fog.

Today ends the first week of classes. By Thursday, I could clearly see the effect of this on my thought process. It is crucial that I stay at the top of my game. Last night, I got a good night's sleep. I woke up this morning clear headed and ready to start the day; and dammit if all those thoughts that were reserved for the night came rushing to the front of my clear head. I guess being sleepy and busy all day helped me to avoid it. The downside is I simply can't function this way for any continued period of time.

I've also developed what I'm calling a "grief gut". It is not cute. Not at all. And I'm pissed about it. Looks like a beer belly, but comes from too many sweets and no movement. I'm too tired to work-out.

The job is good. I'm meeting some nice folks. The kids are good. I get to be geeky and social on a daily basis; and anyone who knows me knows that makes me smile. It just sucks that it all had to start in the midst of one of the worst personal times of my life.