I guess I'm a Methodist now...

I've been to All Saints' UMC every Sunday, except one, since my first visit on September 18th. Tomorrow, I become a member.

Insanity Day 1

Last week, I watched a family member as he sweated and sweated and sweated some more doing the Insanity DVD. It's a Beach Body creation (the same folks who do P90X). Did I mention there was lots of sweat? And an inability to catch his breath. Lots of water breaks. Nothing fun. 

I got home and thought to myself "I sooo want some of that". Fast forward to last night. I get my copy of the  DVD, along with the calendar and fit test spreadsheet. I was amped. This morning I got up at did the fit test. Wow.

Here's what I tweeted immediately after finishing the fit test.

The fit test kicked my ass. I'm kinda scared to see what tomorrow brings. But I'm ready for it. As Shaun T says, it's time to Dig Deep. :)

Oh yeah, here's the obligatory Day 1 pic taken in the bathroom with my cell phone.

So, I went to church today...

And it was good. I've been feeling a bit un-anchored lately; like I'm floating alone in the middle of a massive ocean, directionless with no land or other boats to be seen. Not the best feeling in the world. I needed get anchored and I knew where I needed to be.

So this morning, I got up and walked to church. Yes, I walked. All Saints' United Methodist Church holds their worship service at the Elementary School down the street - a short 7-10 minute stroll down street from my house.

It always amazes me (yet never surprises me) how I tend to get what I need when I need it. The community of members were very welcoming. The ritual of the service was very comforting to me. It reminded me of the time I spent at The Riverside Church in NYC and my one visit to a Catholic church in Newport, RI. I've come to accept that I prefer "boring" church. I think I'll be going back next week.

As an educator and counselor, the work I do is for a higher purpose - to subtly or radically impact the lives of those in my path. I don't take that charge lightly. What's crazy is that I haven't been personally connecting to the power that charged me with the task. And I know better. Connecting recharges me and reminds me of why I do what I do. It keeps me grounded.

Whether it's the Kadampa Center or All Saints' UMC, the connection to God is there. I am, after all, a Bible-based Buddhist. :) All Saints' UMC was simply where I needed to be today.

50 lbs.

It's official - I weigh 50 lbs less than I did on my birthday two years ago. Go me!!!

That is all.

Happy Birthday, Moma

Yesterday was my grandmother's birthday. She would have turned 93. I had been dreading yesterday for months. As her birthday grew closer, I got more anxious. I knew I had to teach and had vivid images of me "losing it" while reviewing how to solve quadratic equations. As a former grief counselor, I know that it can sneak up on you at the most random times and especially on important anniversary dates.

I needed to be proactive - the alternative was lots of tears at "inappropriate times" and lots of bad food. Lots of it. I wore jeans and a black top and put a bright yellow (faux) flower in my hair. The flower made me think of her and smile throughout the day. It brought me back from the edge and helped me not be so annoyed with my students. One little fake flower from Wally World. Who knew? I picked up my sis from the airport in the afternoon and hung out with her and her mom for a few hours. I went to a networking event and connected with a good friend in the evening.

I think having a busy day helped. No need to plan being sad. I did have my moments. In the morning with my coffee and, of course, in the car - that seems to be my spot for Moma-related tears. On the drive home last night, I reflected on the day. It seemed as if for HER birthday, she gave me several gifts. I had a few a-ha moments related to my soon-to-be new business, our relationship, and my love-life (or current lack thereof). More on that another day. Maybe.

What I know for sure is this year will be filled with several "the first ______ without her." Hmmm.

OBL

Last night I watched people in NYC and DC celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden on TV. All I could think is that somewhere in the world, at least one person is now in mourning. I'm talking about a loved one, not his ideological followers. No matter how deplorable his actions were, there is someone, somewhere who loved him in spite of it all. I send some healing energy to that person.

And I send lots of love and healing energy to all those who lost someone on 9/11 as they deal with reopened wounds and mixed emotions.

Simultaneously Grieving and Teaching

Wednesday is my grandmother's birthday. It's the first one since she died in December. I've been quietly, anxiously anticipating it for months. Wednesday is a teaching day. Meaning I have to be "on". Thankfully, it's the end of the semester and we will simply be reviewing for their upcoming final exam next week. All that means is I don't have to be on my A game. But like I said, I've been quietly anxious about this for months; like a program running in the background of my brain.

The entire semester has been a mental challenge. I didn't see it in the moment. But as I look back over the past four months I can see the effects of my grief in my actions (or inaction) and in my attitude.

Anywhooo, the past two weeks have been particularly interesting. It's the end of the semester. I'm on pins and easily annoyed. My students are being annoying. And it takes a lot of energy to not say "Please. Shut the hell/fuck up." I get WHY I'm on pins and easily annoyed. Doesn't make it go away.

Horoscope

I read my horoscope on my phone about an hour ago, and it totally wigged me out.

Here it is:

Is it better to be a big fish in a small pond, or a small fish in a big pond? In the former situation, the big fish rules the world. But that leaves him with few if any equals, and no one to share a friendship with. On the other hand, if one is a small fish in a big pond, there's a gigantic world to explore, but predators abound and competition is stiff. There's a happy medium. You're very unique, Moonchild. There are more options available to you than you're now considering. Think about venturing off in your own direction. Follow the stream that leads away from the pond and toward infinite possibilities.

Now, I don't usually put much stock in what my horoscope says; it's for entertainment purposes only. AND I know the probability that something in it will be somewhat related to one of the many pieces of my life is relatively high - I'm a numbers girl after all. But this was freaky.

Why, you ask. I'll tell you why. The very first sentence was the exact thought I had earlier today. In my current day-to-day, I am the "fountain of knowledge". It is rare that I have an opportunity to be the sponge, just soaking up new stuff from folks more knowledgeable than me. It's why I enjoy being a student so much. However, going back to school is not an option right now.

The path I'm currently pursuing has the potential to be that big pond, filled with predators and cut-throat competition. Not my cup of tea. I'm too much of a low-key, Buddhist-type for all that.

I have to find my happy medium. For me, it means I will be

• intellectually stimulated
• teaching others
• talking - a lot
• collaborating regularly
• involved in little-no drama
• valued
• appropriately compensated

I regularly follow my gut (spirit guide, intuition, God's whisper) and it's worked for the most part, thus far. 

So I take today's horoscope as a sign. It spoke to me in the moment and caused me to pause. A sign of what? Who knows? Feels like part confirmation, part kick in the ass. 

3 pull-ups

The ultimate test of upper-body strength is to be able to do pull-ups from a hanging position. I attempted to do one last week, and failed miserably. It was actually rather amusing. However, it has now become the thing at the gym I must conquer.

Stay tuned...

10 Months Later...AGAIN

At the request of a loyal reader, I am bringing the blog back to life. Thanks for the push! (you know who you are)

When I thought about it, I really have no excuse for not keeping it current. The last entry in my personal journal was in January. I haven't been writing online or on paper. Unacceptable. Time to get out of my head, and back into the real world of the internet. ;)

No need for a recap; if you know me, then you know the highlights. 

I will say this; I'm happy to be writing again. I'm happy to be happy. I'm happy that I'm regaining my physical, mental and emotional strength. Despite several challenges, life is good.

I am, once again, at a major transition in my life. Not really news. As they say - and I'm not really sure who "they" are, but I digress - the only constant in life is change. I've come to accept that. It's like the Borg; resistance is futile.

I'm still on the job hunt. I want to stay in the Raleigh-Durham area and I affirm that regularly. BUT if the right job is elsewhere, off I go. As I think about that, I have to ask myself "Is it really the right job, if it's somewhere else?" Hmmm...